I am the majority

Sometimes, I suddenly realise something blatantly obvious, something which was always somehow in my awareness but I'd never really realised. I'm guessing this is fairly common, for example, often I have asked a friend for the definition of a word, only for them to give me examples of how to use it in a sentence without knowing what it actually means. Or being a group of people discussing something common when that one person gets the "ooooooh, of course," look on their face then sits stupidly quiet for some time.

Recently, this was me realising that I've always been a 'majority'. Of course, statistically, this is not unusual. I identify as a well established gender which happens to match my biology, my sexual orientation is mostly heterosexual, and I'm a middle class caucasian from a predominantly caucasian country. Nothing in my life has been especially difficult, I seem to fit the boxes society lays out without too much issue. I mean sure, I support my husband financially and work as a full time scientist, which is only possible as a woman in recent times. But it's not unheard of, strange, or makes me appear inferior in any way. It certainly doesn't make me feel like an outsider to society.

My parents are the most tolerant and supportive people I know, I am 99% certain they would accept me however I am. Especially given their 'hands-off' approach to parenting, involving largely letting us kids work out for ourselves how the world works and what we want from it. Although I'm pretty sure they'd be upset if I suddenly started murdering people, I'm also pretty sure they'd still love me. So it isn't like I was trying to fit into my parent's view of how I should be.

My friends throughout life, although largely female, came from a variety of countries and circumstances. I am probably the most 'normal' of the group, so it isn't like I was fitting my peer's view of how I should be.

It'd be nice to say that I'm unaffected by media, but of course it's total bullshit. Did I gravitate towards the societal norm because mainstream media said I should? Even though I was immersed in media from India, China, Japan, Indonesia, USA, UK and Australia while growing up? (Remember those tolerant parents? Yeah they were the international type, and weren't afraid to expose us to a variety of cultures while growing up. I highly recommend it, btw).

But maybe it wasn't external. I certainly didn't choose to be born a white middle class Australian. I did choose to be a foreigner living in Japan, so I expected being a minority in this case; is that why it doesn't bother me when I can't communicate with strangers, or get looked at? Little kids yelling out "Otou-san, mitte! Amerika-jin desu!!" (I usually smile and wave, the kids get super shy and the parents get super embarrassed hehe. Once my Japanese is better, I hope to respond "Jitsuwa, Australia-jin desu! Nihon-jin desuka?" or maybe something wittier)

So, I didn't choose to be normal. And, as I said, statistically speaking it is the most likely outcome. Yet, minorities dominate many of my thoughts. When I meet someone, I ask if they have a partner instead of a girl/boy friend because they may not fit the 'normal' gender/sexuality bimorphism. I ask someone where they're from or where they've been despite their skin colour; you can't assume someone who looks Chinese was born in China. (And, I am terrible at picking accents, so I do need to ask). Despite those statistics saying what the norm is, I'm still frightened of highlighting some minority in a way that could be perceived as negative. Why is that?

The downside of being a majority most of the time is the naïvete. I recently saw a video from my home country of a French woman being verbally abused on public transport, for speaking French. She also spoke English, so I don't know exactly what got the yobbos so riled up, but it really shocked and disturbed me. My friend, who happens to be half Thai, wasn't shocked at all. During her public transport travels she has been hollered at, grabbed at, and even spit on. Because she's not white? Are you serious? This ... This actually happens? I don't want to call myself Australian after hearing that. Confirmations came in from all my slightly less than majority friends. Whilst anecdote doesn't make data, it does bring to my attention an aspect of life that I have never had to deal with. And while I don't wish it upon anyone, I hope to never experience feeling like I'm an inferior human being. Well, not by anyone but myself, anyway.

A-maze-ing

I haven't written much lately, because I temporarily found another outlet for my frustrations. I did what normal people do, and became interested in a topic - almost, if you will, a hobby.

Mazes.

Not maizes or maces, but mazes. I was wasting time in Minecraft as usual, after a frustrating debate with my husband when I thought... Wouldn't a nice revenge to be to trap him in a maze of my own design?
So, I spent the next few hours devising a tricky thing made of stone, sand, glass and lava, made to fool him into either death or non-stop dead ends. Unfortunately, I didn't actually spend much time on the design, and really made it up as I went. It seems that when you make it up as you go, the maze-goer can easily sole it by simply following one wall. After this, I became obsessed with developing a maze that my husband's infuriating logic couldn't easily solve!

Initially, I refused to submit to the easy way out (that is, Googling what other people did), and devised all kinds of traps to ensnare my victim. My next maze contained levels and one-way trap doors, and random 'floating' rings of walls so that one couldn't simply 'follow the wall' to the exit. I also made it all look the same, and instituted a no-markers rule. It took a lot longer for my husband to complete this time, and I watched in glee as he revisited the same corridors again and again. But he wasn't flustered, and seemed to enjoy it. This wasn't my aim at all. My next maze was made entirely of glass, floating high in the sky, instituting the same tricks as before to ensure one couldn't follow a simple algorithm to escape. This meant the lava was clearly visible and therefore not likely to fool anyone, but on the other hand everything else was visible too. From the inside, it looks something like this (not my image).

Something like this, only surrounded by sky so that depth perception is weirded out too

This time, I got him absolutely infuriated. Despite being much smaller than the previous maze, my husband spent almost an hour walking in circles! Finally, I had defeated his superior intellect!

The victory didn't taste as sweet as I'd imagined, but it did spur us into a maze-building competition which is ongoing. I'm currently building a bushy labyrinth of epic proportions, while he is making a 20 x 20 x 20 3D maze of red wool.

The end goal? To make the other party say, "I give up" on a solve-able maze (not going to happen with the labyrinth, I know, but it's fun nonetheless). I guess it's a contest of stubbornness. But in a way, making and solving mazes is somehow therapeutic and makes me use my mind in new ways, so it's got to be a good thing, right?

Grrr!

Damn, I feel like shit!

Yesterday my stomach just kept aching, bouncing between hunger pains and nausea. Woke up at 2 am with the most painful spasming, it was making everything inside my ribcage ache. WTF?
This morning, at least, I'm left with only a mild headache and a bit of tiredness. Maybe I'm fighting off a bug.

It doesn't help that the post office wouldn't send my parcel to Australia, and I couldn't argue with them. It's not the man's fault, he was following rules to the letter - Australia says no dairy product, and chocolate is technically a dairy product. But the customs site (in English) specifically allows chocolate. How could I make him understand? Well apparently I couldn't, so sorry my pals back home your gifts are gonna be late. My lesson for today is to lie on the customs form.

It took out a good 20 minutes of my time, too, as he called head office and the PO was a bit busy too. Then I transferred some money and stuff at the ATM which took way longer than it should because I kept making stupid mistakes (I blame my headache), and finally I had to get help from an employee because my kanji skills are non-existent, and I wasn't able to match the ones in my hand to the ones on the screen at all. Then of course I was forced to look at and consider my finances and it got me super stressed and now I feel even more shitty! I'm not poor, so why can't I find a way to have some buffer cash in my pocket? (That was rhetorical, the next person to offer me frugality tips is going to get smacked).

In general my mood is likely influenced by hormones and a large number of small, but mounting, issues. Knowing that it's largely insignificant might make me feel better later, but for now I'm just Ms Cranky Pants so don't cross me today!

Ups and Downs

It was a long weekend recently, I thought - great! I can take a break from work, go out, feel relaxed, right?

Saturday was stressful because we went grocery shopping and overspent. Not just by a bit, but by a lot. It was so easy to justify at the time, a lot of it is things we won't need to buy again for a long time (such as garbage bags and toilet paper), but now I'm like... Money is tightly budgeted, and I just went ahead with this huge blowout? What's wrong with me? I will whinge about finances another time, though.
It was a nice drive anyhow.

On Sunday, we went out with a couple of friends from work to climb a mountain! Before we went, I was all "Pfft, it's not so hard, it's not even a proper hike. 90 minutes! No problem!"

Fuck that. It's been 6 months since I did more than walk to work, sure I've lost a little weight but climbing a Goddamn mountain? What was I thinking? I feel sorry for the people we went with, who had to wait for me. I took 3 hours to do a 90 minute walk. I also managed to slip a few times and coat myself in slushy muddy ice. It was unpleasant and took several days for my hips to recover.

I didn't take this picture. But the weather was the same, so I'm sure I could have if I bothered to take my camera and find a nice place and set up and actually, y'know, try. Surely.

But you know, it was a very beautiful day, and it also was a fantastic exercise in positive thinking to get myself up there! I intend to return again. Someday.

Monday was thankfully the public holiday. National Day, or something, I didn't care enough to find out. Anyway I sat on the couch and whinged and played games and watched telly. I hope I am not fat when I'm old, it was a terrible experience having sore joints to lug around my huge mass to do simple tasks like using the toilet. Miserable day.

Tuesday rolls around, and I think - this is it! I'm going to get up early, do some stretching to speed my recovery, eat a wholesome breakfast, and do a full day's satisfying work!

Instead, I woke up before the alarm and stayed in bed an extra two hours. No, not sleeping, just... Laying there. Actually repeat that process for yesterday and today. And all day at work, I'm moping about, counting the minutes, wishing to go home. As soon as I'm home, I'm counting the minutes until I can say 'bed time!' and constantly wishing for the future to come. What's so bad about the present?

Did somebody say 'present'?!

This is one of those times when I should probably attempt some form of CBT. Work out what's making me feel down, and look for evidence that it's actually a downer. Find ways to solve or at least cope with the problem. Instead, I'm going to waste time on reddit and feel like even more of a loser when I get hardly any work done today. Anyway, it's worth noting that my period is due shortly, so maybe I'll wait until hormones have fucked off before trying anything. Yeah. I'll do that.

Super Human

I might have super powers, it seems that I zap everything I touch! Watch out universe, ka-pow!

(As a scientist, I couldn't let it go at 'it's just static', so I tested different floor types, different rooms, touching different objects, wearing different shoes and observing the humidity. It seems low humidity and being in my workplace regardless of other factors causes it to happen, so it must be excess energy being generated from using my brain all day. It's the only hypothesis that fits the data.)

If I Were A Zombie

I have been listening to this song over, and over, and over... I think my brain has temporarily suspended all processes and devoted its entire power to the adorable simplicity that is... The Zombie Song.



So, personally, I didn't really get into the zombie craze. I enjoyed playing Resident Evil and Dead Space with a good friend, and the occasional movie is entertaining enough (The Evil Dead franchise is just hilarious). However, zombies as a concept don't grab me. They say (who is they again?) that fad enemies like zombies tend to represent some intangible fear of the movie-going population. Perhaps I'm just not scared of whatever zombies could represent. Greed and sloth? Aging and decay?
I should really look this up... A very fast Google search revealed this interesting article (check out the articles they link to, as well, fascinating stuff). I do love a good disaster flick, so maybe I simply haven't given zombies enough of a chance to provide me with post-apocalyptic entertainment.

I was really scared of the unknown as a kid (a.k.a. 'scared of the dark'), and I would either wet my bed or crawl in with my sister / parents until an embarrassing age. I stopped needing to have some light when I slept only a few years ago (my husband was much relieved), around the same time I stopped feeling 'if only I was older/smarter/etc' and started thinking 'this is it, this is where I want to be'. It's also around about when I got my undergraduate degree and felt like I could be a real scientist, instead of a kid playing with science. So it's possible that my fears were grounded in self esteem issues, but I prefer to think it's because I now have the tools available to start tackling 'the unknown' in my professional life.

Whether or not I utilise those tools fully, well, that's a story for another day. For now, I will be singing, "I'd never eat your brain...I'd just want your heart, Just want your heart, Yeah I want your heart" as I collect data, and curses upon anyone who doesn't wanna hear it!

My Dreams Are More Exciting Than My Life

Last night, I dreamt I was riding in an elevator made of sandstone. It contained all the basic necessities - vending machines for food and drink, a toilet, a lounge... And it travelled over 200 flights (we were in a rather tall building, apparently). Really an impressive thing to behold, a marvel of modern technology. And yet, people used it as a normal everyday lift - take me to the tenth floor, yes sir! I wish to be on ground floor, right away! Instead, I utilised it as a place to rest. I even attempted to use the toilet (however, I neglected to close the door and people kept getting into the lift so they could see me there. This is quite common in my dreams, I think to stop me from wetting the bed).

Eventually, I had to leave - I had to get to university, you see. So, I walked through narrow winding roads past dark, but adorable, terrace homes. I visited some stables and met a kind young girl with blonde hair, tending to her equally blonde foal. She informed me that she, too, must get to university so we walked together and talked about horses. Angela really loved horses.

During this time, she confided in me about a bully that had been making her academic life hell. This other girl was pretty and popular, but threatened by Angela's good grades. So she would take every opportunity to mock her, prank her, and spread rumours that simply weren't true. Once, she even went so far as to dye Angela's horse a medley of colours before an important show. But Angela wasn't angry, or frightened. She just smiled, moved on, and continued getting good grades. She said to me, 'The best revenge is living my life the best I can. One day, she'll see that, and feel far worse than I ever did'.

I don't remember much of what happened after - there are snatches of black cats and witches on broom sticks, and a looming dark castle that represented the place Angela and I were destined for. I don't believe we ever arrived, I think we were distracted by a party with a vast array of tantalising finger foods. But anyway I awoke feeling a sense of peace and power, as if Angela's words and experience had reached into my heart, and left behind a pearl of hope. I'm not generally struggling with feelings of vengeance, and I don't feel harassed or bullied. I do, however, often feel inferior - and perhaps if I live like Angela, live my life the best I can, one day I won't feel like everyone else is better than me, but instead want to be like me. I look forward to that day.